um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
