So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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