I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
