I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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