You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
