Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
a search helicopter?!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
