He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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