I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
