he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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