dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
