So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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