apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
