I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
