I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
