she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
