Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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