I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
