Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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