im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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