he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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