I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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