I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
