I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
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You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How does it feel to date your dad?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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