I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
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Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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