I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
