dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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