Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
