Jerry, you need to find god
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
