What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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