Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
