I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
