can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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