What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
