WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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