if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
