he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
