You smell like stripper and shame
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
