If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
