I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
