I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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