she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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