i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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