Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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