I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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