The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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