Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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