I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
