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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.

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  25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons

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• (626): View more from California

  How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...

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• (813): View more from Florida

  Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.

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• (407): View more from Florida

  You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.

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  25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread

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