My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...