I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring