you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
