Someone shit on the floor
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
