Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
