He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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