I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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