I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
