There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
