I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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