When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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